Friend : An Unsolved Puzzle

*Friend : An Unsolved Puzzle*
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    For me, "friend" is not just a word; it's a complex and inexplicable concept. It's been around 40 years since I last met my friend. Yet, I still can't fully grasp the idea of "my friend." I find it difficult to define or explain what a friend is. I feel it deeply, but I struggle to put it into words. My understanding and expression fail me when I try to describe it. The unspoken aspect of friendship eludes me, and I'm left with more questions than answers.
     That's my friend! We first met in 1979. For the first six or seven months, I didn't realize the secret of our friendship. One day, a friend asked me, "Don't you think she looks at you differently?" Until then, I hadn't noticed anything unusual, but I did feel a natural affection for her. I wasn't aware of the underlying emotions, and I didn't realize why I felt that way.
       In today's modern era of computers and mobile phones, this might sound unbelievable, but back in 1979-80, in a remote, tribal-dominated area, many such things happened without us even realizing it. My friends from that time will understand what I'm talking about.
       My male friends would often tease me, asking if I had noticed the way she looked at me. It was only then that I realized I had been looking at her in a special way too. Despite our 9-10 year age difference, we didn't let our social, cultural, religious, or educational backgrounds come between us. We were just two people who connected, without realizing the complexities of our relationship.
        As a casual reader and student of Plato's concept of Platonic love, I can confidently say that even in my youth, my friendship with her was completely devoid of any sexual undertones. Our innocent and unconventional friendship blossomed on its own, without any external influences. Naturally, this development was viewed differently by various people, with some being critical and others appreciative.
        Around the same time, I got another job in Mumbai and joined duty there. However, my friend remained in our village in the tribal-dominated area. As I settled into my new job, I felt an intense longing for my friend. Despite being a student of yoga, pranayama, and spirituality, I found it difficult to cope with her absence. Ultimately, I had to resign from my job in Mumbai and return to be with her.
         As time passed, my genuine friendship with her continued to grow. However, I was often confused about her feelings towards me. Was it friendship, affection, or love? I couldn't decipher her emotions, and her body language left me perplexed. To better understand her, I even started studying psychology and behavioral science. Despite my efforts, I couldn't grasp her true feelings.
     One thing is certain, though: I never had any romantic or sexual feelings towards her. I can confidently say this even today. Perhaps the values instilled in me by my mother since childhood played a role in this.
     As the days turned into months and years, our friendship remained unchanged. While I had no doubts or misconceptions about our friendship, I couldn't help but wonder what she truly felt. There were instances where I suspected she might be expecting romantic feelings from me, but I couldn't be sure. My two close friends, one older and one of the same age, would often discuss and analyze her behavior, but we couldn't reach a definitive conclusion. I, however, remained steadfast in my values, thanks to my mother's teachings.
        As she entered adulthood, I noticed a change in her behavior towards me. Her aggression and possessiveness in our friendship started to increase. My friends and I began to wonder if she had romantic feelings for me, which made me question my own concept of Platonic love.
       Our pure and innocent friendship started to take on a guru-disciple-like relationship, which was uncomfortable for me. Incidents that were previously nonexistent started to occur, making me feel like our friendship was being tainted.
     Eventually, I decided to get married to someone else, as I couldn't accept the idea of marriage and sex in our friendship. Soon after, she also got married to someone else.
      It's been around 40 years since we last met, but I've still preserved the genuine friendship we shared, without letting it get entangled in any physical, emotional, social, or family obligations. I haven't tried to find out if she has also preserved our friendship, but I'm confident that she too has kept it safe somewhere deep within her.
       In reality, a genuine, unspoken, and unconventional spiritual connection can be more enduring than physical closeness. Considering this, I can confidently say that I'm happy and content in my married life, and I'm sure she is too in hers.
¤ (#850)
@Adv.LakhanPal Singh Katre,
Borkanhar-441902, Distt.Gondia 
(09.12.2024)
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